hermione's misadventure's in Hell aka malfoy manor
by fairiekween13
Summary: Why me? I’m surrounded by idiots. I’m not wearing that apron. I’m not. it’s ugly even uglier than Voldie! Did I just think of him as ‘Voldie’? Oh, good God in Heaven, please, get me out of here!
1. Getting there

**_Characters are not mine, if they were Draco would be mine._**

**_This was originally written by me, but wild wolf free17 typed it up and helped me make it better._**

**_Warnings: mentions of character death; D/G; and if laughing causes you pain, do not read._**

**_this is so funkataed!_**

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She walked down the street, wondering what to do now. She couldn't go back home; they would never forgive her. She didn't think they could. (They never did.) She could think of only one person that would ever even consider helping her.

She got on a bus and rode for three days. When she got to his house it was raining; the weather reflected her mood. She knocked on the door and waited.

He opened it and looked her. Her head hung low. She couldn't meet his eyes. He stared at her for a minute, and then she raised her head. As soon as she saw those silver-ice blue eyes, she whispered, "I need help."

In the back of her mind, she had expected him to slam the door in her face. But he didn't. In his eyes—eyes once filled with rage, hate, and arrogance—she saw understanding and... and **kindness**.

He told her to come inside, and she did. He asked her what was so wrong, that she would come to him, and no one else.

Shame and despair colored her voice as she told him, "I've done something horrible, very horrible, and I need help."

He smirked a little, and replied, "Well, I know you need help, my dear. You've already said that."

She smiled, a tiny smile, and chuckled. "What do need help with?" he asked, gently.

She looked away. "I need help sorting my life." she responded, in a small voice. "I don't... I don't know what happened. I used to be the perfect girl; never in trouble, never losing my temper, always kind and considerate, always had the answer. Then I... I killed him. I **killed** him! I didn't mean to. He just... he made me angry. So angry. I... I lunged at him, and grabbed his neck. It was so fast... when I turned around, they all stared at me. They couldn't believe it. Neither could I. Then, after I realized what had happened, I ran. I couldn't stay and face them; already I could see the rage and hate in their eyes. I tried to get jobs, but no one would hire me. Everyone heard what I did. I was surprised no one arrested me. I don't think I would have minded if they had. I decided to come here. You've gone through what I have, so I thought... I thought you would understand."

He hadn't said a word, just listened. He had heard all this, on the radio, in the newspaper. He looked at her, as she stared at the floor. They didn't speak for several minutes. Then she asked, "Will you help me, Draco?"

He looked at her with soft, gentle, understanding eyes and answered, "I'll do the best I can, Hermione."


	2. Housekeeping!

They both sat in comfortable silence, in one of Draco's many dens. After Lucius was sent to Azkaban, and Narcissa committed suicide, Draco inherited everything. Both of them were in deep thought about what to do. Since they had been quiet for so long (an hour), it startled Hermione when Draco spoke.

"Do you want dinner?"

She hadn't realized how hungry she was until he asked. "Yes," she told him. He headed for the kitchen, and she followed. A House Elf appeared—female, wearing a pillowcase—and Draco told her to cook Roast Beef.

Draco turned toward the door to the dining room, and gestured for Hermione to follow him. They sat at the table, and Draco asked her what she wanted to drink. She responded water, and he pulled at his wand. "Accio two glasses and a pitcher of water." he said, and they appeared.

Once dinner was done, the House Elf brought it to them, and they ate. Draco watched her, and noted that it looked like she hadn't eaten in days. **_She probably hasn't, _**he thought to himself.

After they finished eating, he told her, "You can stay here, if you want. I'd give you a job, and pay you three hundred galleons a month."

She choked on her water. After she coughed for a few minutes, she gasped out, "Three **hundred**!" Draco nodded. "And what would I do?"

"You'd be a housekeeper."

She stared at him. He smiled back. "A housekeeper." He nodded. "Three **hundred** galleons a **month**, for **housekeeping**?" Draco nodded again. "Why are you being so nice? All I've ever done is belittle you, call you names, ignore you. Why are you helping me?"

He sighed, looked at the table. "I'm helping you," he said quietly, "because no one else will. I've been where you are. I know what it's like to be ignored, hated, feared. To be despised for something you couldn't control. If it is within my power, I won't let someone else go through it. Even if they helped make my life Hell, for a few years."

She replied, "Very well, Draco. I'll stay here, and work for you." They were quiet for a few minutes, contemplating how they would live together and not tear each other apart. Finally, she asked, "So you've forgiven me? What about the rest of the world? How are going to get them to forgive me?"

He shook his head. "Why do you **want** their forgiveness, Hermione? What does it matter? He knew you had a temper. He knew your power. He brought it upon himself. He saw what happened the last time someone enraged you. You nearly tore down the **school**, Hermione! If Dumbledore and Snape hadn't stopped you, you probably would have. He knew what you could do."

Hermione nodded, and sighed. "I know. I do. It's just... it's hard accepting that the entire magical world hates me. You know?"

Draco smiled. "Yeah, I do know. But you have to **accept** it. They will eventually forget about it."

"Really?" There was naked hope in her voice, along with a tiny amount of sarcasm. "Do you really think they're going to forget that I killed **him**? I killed **Harry**! I killed him, Draco. Their savior is dead, because of me! Voldemort will come back, and the world will end, and the Dark will triumph because I had a temper-tantrum!"

She was near tears, and Draco's Slytherin sarcastic side reared its head. "Actually, I highly doubt Voldemort could come back, considering the state he's in."

Hermione stared at him. Then she laughed. It was full-bellied, all out laughter, and it did her some good. Finally, she caught her breath, and said, "I'm going to bed now, Draco." She glided to the stairs, and paused to blow a kiss over her shoulder. "Good night, Dragon." She disappeared into the darkness of the second floor.

Draco stood by the table for a second, completely still. He was still a smidge frightened of the cleverest witch to ever grace Hogwarts' ancient walls. **_Ah, well, _**he laughed to himself, **_I'll deal with her in the morning._** And with that last, happy thought, he skipped to the stairs, and went to his room. The minute his head touched the pillow, he was asleep.

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**_REVIEW!_** (in eerie voice!)... ha, just messin' wit ya. 


	3. Maria, House Elf From Hell!

When Hermione woke up the next morning—from the best sleep she'd had in days—she saw the House Elf from the kitchen standing at the foot of her bed. "'Ello, miss," the Elf said, in a very annoying, squeaky, and accented voice. "Me name is Maria, miss. I 'ere to help with cookin' and cleanin', miss."

"Where are you from?" Hermione ask. "You sound like someone I used to know."

"I from Sweden, miss," Maria replied.

Hermione climbed out of the most comfortable bed she'd ever had the pleasure of lying on, and pulled on the clothes spread out for her. "Where's Draco?" she inquired.

"Maser down stairs, cookin breakfast, miss," Maria told her. "Follow me, miss, and I take you to him, like Maser asked me too, miss."

Hermione smiled at her, and said, "Thank you, Maria. I would be **delighted** to follow you."

Maria missed the sarcasm in her voice.

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When they reached the kitchen, and Maria left the room, Hermione exclaimed, "Draco! When did you learn to cook? **Why** did you learn to cook?"

Draco smirked at her. "Would you like pancakes, waffles, eggs, or all three?"

"All three, please." Once they were both served and seated, Hermione asked again, "Why'd you learn to cook?"

"Because I wanted too." Draco ate a bite of pancake, and met her eyes. "Unlike many wizards raised with magic, I had the forethought to see that one day I might not have it, and so I learned Muggle cooking and fighting."

Hermione thought for a minute. She bit her lip and began, "Draco... I have a question I probably shouldn't ask..."

He looked at her. "There are many things I can never tell you, Hermione, or anyone. But... you live here now, and we need absolute trust. If I can tell you, I shall."

"Alright." Hermione nodded. " I can live with that." She looked down, and asked quietly, "Who did you kill?"

Draco had known that was coming, and he had prepared an answer. "Do you really want to know?"

"Yes."

"It's complicated. About a year ago, when I was still a blind slave to dear old Thomas, I was ordered to go back in time and kill two certain individuals. I needed to make it appear Voldie killed them, so he could get the 'I'm an evil dark lord' credit he craved. The individuals were the Potters, James and Lily. I was supposed to kill Lily before Harry was conceived, but I was delayed while in the past. I arrived almost two years late. Harry was born, and the Potter's were protected by darling Dumbledore. I knew their hideaway was Godric's Hollow, and I knew they'd be there. I put on Tom's cloak, and I magicked my eyes and voice. You know what happened: James and Lily fought. For some reason, they didn't want to die. I killed them. My hate for Harry still burned strong at that time; I attempted to kill him. It backfired; somehow, it passed through me, and hit Tom, all the way across the continent. I was sent back to my time." Draco met her eyes. "It then occurred to me that I killed two people who had never hurt me, and tried to kill an innocent baby, who had yet to commit any sin. The whole reason I hated him was **my** doing. And I realized that I was wrong. That Voldemort was wrong. I was raised by my father to be evil, and I had never questioned it. I left Voldemort. I ran away. Voldemort had more to worry about than a deserter, so I was safe from him. And no one else could have found me. I waited until Harry had injured him too greatly for him to ever be a threat again, and then revealed my presence. So... how was the breakfast?"

Hermione stared at him again. Then, she shook her head. **_I'll _never_ get this guy, _**she stated to herself.


	4. i'm not wearing that

"So, Draco, what exactly do I do?"

They were headed up to the attic. Maria was going to meet them there, using House Elf magic. Draco looked over his shoulder, to smirk at her, then turned back. "You, my darling Gryffindor, will follow Maria around, and watch what she does. She's old, and I'll free her soon. Once she's gone—since she's the last House Elf at Malfoy Manor—**you** will be the cleaner. You will wash and rinse, sweep and mop. You'll be able to use magic, of course."

Hermione paused, one foot in midair. "Are you **mental**?"

He looked over his shoulder again. "I've been told so, but no one's sure." He continued up the stairs, and she had no choice but to follow. "Now, from every evening, 5 to 7, we will have 'How To Control Your Anger So You Kill No One Else' lessons. Then, at 7 we'll eat, and at 7:30 I'll teach you to cook." He opened the door at the top of the stairs. Once she entered, Draco smirked at her. "'Kay?"

She sighed and glared at him. "Have I choice?" He shook his head. "Thought so," she muttered.

"Think of me as your mentor **and** your shrink." he remarked, perkily.

She stared at him again.

"Now, I have to go to work. If Maria would show up, I could leave. MARIA!" The Swedish House Elf appeared in a puff of smoke. Draco turned to Hermione. "Don't break anything, don't burn anything, and DO NOT get Maria drunk. If you do, she'll think she's Britney Spears and Spike from 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'combined. If there's any trouble, I'm at Hogwarts. Good day." He Apparated out.

**_He _must _be mentally challenged. _**Hermione shook her head.

"Did maser call me name, miss?" Hermione turned to Maria. "Or was me old ears playin' tricks again, miss?"

Hermione closed her eyes. **_Why me? Why, oh God, me? _**"Yes, he called you. You're supposed to show me how to housekeep."

Maria smiled at her. "I'se love havin' prentices!" She snapped her fingers and an apron appeared. "You'se need put this on, miss. It's goin' get dirty!"

**_Why me? I'm surrounded by idiots. I'm not wearing that apron. I'm not. it's ugly; even uglier than Voldie! Did I just think of him as 'Voldie'? Oh, good God in Heaven, _please _get me out of here!

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A/N: ya like? review! i've got cookies for anyone who reviews (not really)


	5. Fairy Tales, Malfoy?

"Come **on**, Hermy! We need to start cleaning!" Draco called. "Let's start with that Boggart in Lucius' old room."

Hermione came down the stairs—wearing the old dirty apron. It'd been three days since she'd first showed up. This was the first day Draco hadn't gone to Hogwarts. "You're cleaning, too?"

"But of course!" Draco said. "It's my house. Only fair that I help clean." He rubbed his hands together. "Now, to Lucius' room we go!" he sang, to the tune of _To Grandmother's House We Go. _"Up the stairs, and down the hall, to Lucius' room we go. Through the door, where the Boggart lies, to Lucius' room we go!"

Hermione followed, wondering just how insane her boss was. "Draco, how do you not get lost in this place? It's bloody huge!"

Without turning, he responded, "Honestly, Herm-o-ninny"(mocking Victor Krum, from their fourth year), "I had thought you smarter than that. Why don't you put down some bread crumbs, to follow your way back home?"

"Well," Hermione huffed, "if you're going to be like that... wait." Draco turned and looked at her.

"Yes?"

"You read _Hansel and Gretal_? **You**? When?"

"Oh... um... well... you see..." he searched for words. "It was a birthday present, from a relative I've never met. I was six. Father would have destroyed it, but Mother spirited it away. She would read it to me when he wasn't home." He turned back around. "Come on, we have work to do."

After disposing of the Boggart and putting the Incredibly Deadly Viper (a gift from Voldemort, who got her from his Uncle Monty) back in her cage, they had lunch. After they ate, Maria showed Hermione how to wash windows. She spent the rest of the day washing every single window on the whole Manor, so that Maria could have a day off. Draco was doing something in his study (the one room Hermione was forbidden to enter).

He came out for her lessons, and then they had dinner. While teaching Hermione to cook Chicken Marsala, Draco said, "My wife is coming home tomorrow. Everything needs to be ready, and sparkling and perfect."

Hermione stared at him (the 2, 619,860,873 time in three days). "You have a **wife**?"

Draco nodded. "You know her. Pretty well, actually."

"I do? Who is she?" She looked at him, expectantly.

"Well, you see..." he met her eyes pleadingly. "Do you **promise** not to explode?" Hermione nodded. "Her name is Ginny."

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what ya think? please review! i've got cake this time too. (holds out a platter of cookies and a cake on a tray.) ya know ya want some. 


	6. The explosion

I would like to dedicate this chapter to makayla. Enjoy!

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"**WHAT! You married Ginny! Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't _she _tell me? Oh, my god! Oh, my god! OH MY GOD! **And she's coming **here**! She'll be so **ANGRY**! At you, at me!" Hermione paused in her rant, to look inquiringly at Draco. "Do you have any kids?" Then she started her rant again, without giving him any chance to answer. "She hasn't talked to me since I killed Harry! **Why wasn't I invited to the wedding? DOES SHE KNOW I'M HERE! SHE'S GOING TO KILL ME _DEAD_!" **

The Manor began to shake, and Draco slapped her. "Calm down!" Hermione stopped yelling and the Manor quit shaking. "Yes, I married Ginny. I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react like this. She didn't tell you for the same reason. Yes, she's coming here. She's been in Egypt visiting Bill for a few months. Only he, Charlie, and the twins know we got married. We've been married a little over a year. No one was invited to the wedding. We don't have kids. Yet. Yes, she might be a little angry. She knows I'm having a school chum visit, but I didn't tell her who. And she will not kill you. No one can die in the Manor. Any questions?"

Hermione laughed. And laughed. And laughed some more. Finally, she caught her breath, wiped her eyes, and said, "Yeah. What does she like to eat?"

Draco stared at her. "Pizza. Why?"

"So I'll be able to make it. Pizza's fairly simple, right?"

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review! please and thank you, i am done bribing you people, b/c that obviously doesn't work. 


	7. The End

okay guys this is the last chapter. thankx for reading, enjoy.

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"Okay, I ordered the pizza, Draco! It'll be about twenty minutes!" Hermione yelled up the stairs.

"Good! She'll be here in half an hour!" Draco yelled back. He was getting ready to see his wife again after three months of separation. Everything had to be perfect. There were flowers, and decorations, and... "Did you put up the sign!"

"Yes, Dragon! Calm down. It's all pretty and says _Welcome Home Dearest Guinevere_!"

"Good." Draco stared at his reflection in the mirror. **_Please, Ginny, please don't kill me. _**

He went down the stairs to inspect everything. The presents for Ginny were on the dining room table, the Coke's were in the fridge, everything was shiny clean, and—

**DING DONG **

"Pizza's here."

Draco and Hermione waited. And waited. And waited. Ginny never came

_**(A/N:Okay, so that's not true. Just wanted to fake you out a bit. Laughs Come on... you know it was funny.) **_

"So the cake is in the fridge?"

"Yes, Draco."

"And there's no wine? At all?"

"No, Draco. I didn't want her to get drunk. Just in case."

"And all the presents are wrapped?"

"**Yes**, Draco. Maria and I took care of **everything**. It'll be **alright**."

"Are you sure?"

"YES, Draco!"

**DING DONG **

"Draco, why did she ring the bell? She's your wife!"

When Ginny saw Draco, she leapt at him, and hugged him, and kissed him, and said, "I missed you so much! I love you! I'll never go away again! I promise!"

When Draco saw Ginny, he leapt at her, and held her, and swung her around, and said, "I missed you so much! I love you! I'll never let you go away again! I swear!"

Hermione just stared.

When Ginny saw Hermione, she backed away. She looked at Draco. She asked, "What is **she** doing here?" and fainted.

Draco caught her and carried her to the den. He gently laid her on the couch. From behind him, Hermione asked, "She won't be angry, will she?"

Draco turned and glared at her. "Sarcasm is **not** appreciated, thank you **very** much!"

When Ginny came to, Draco was the only one in the room. "Is she really here?"

"She is."

"Do you know what you're doing?"

"I do."

"You swear?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I'll try."

"Thank you."

Ginny and Draco returned to the kitchen. Hermione was sitting at the counter, eating a piece of cheese pizza.

Ginny walked up to her and said, "I'm sorry. I was startled."

Hermione looked her. "'S'alright," she responded around pizza.

Ginny threw her arms around her. "I missed you **so** much!" she squealed. "I'm sorry I freaked! I was only angry because they were, and I've always been a follower, and RonhatesyoubutBillandCharlieandthetwinsandIDON'T!"

Ginny paused for a breath, and Hermione asked, "You don't hate me?"

Ginny shook her head. "Harry shouldn't have called you a whore."

Hermione smiled and hugged Ginny back. They held each other for a long minute, and then Ginny pulled away.

"Draconis Lucien Edwards Malfoy, you are in big trouble!"

Draco gulped and backed away. "Whatever do you mean, dear?" he asked nervously.

Hermione smirked.

"You didn't tell me Hermione was here!"

"She's only been here for four days!" Draco put the dining room table between them.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!"

Draco made a break for the stairs; Ginny followed. Maria hid in the basement.

Hermione continued to smirk, and ate some more pizza.

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**_thankx again, please review. well lata_**


	8. thankx!

Hey! This isn't an actual chapter, but I'd like to thank all my reviewers for reviewing.

THANK YOU:)

I would like to especially thank the anonymous reviewer, jaz. She/he made me very happy. Thankx! I know I should of answered ya'll sooner, but I've been busy. (Sorry!)Also, in case I didn't put it before, this was co-written by wildwolffree17. Go read her stories! Again thank you!


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